Sugar is a Self-Imposed Selfish Spiritual Sickness

For me, sugar is a self-imposed selfish spiritual sickness, no more, no less than if I were an alcoholic.

I know that now. I didn’t know that then when I was using it to survive in life or rather when I was dying, killing myself in order to try to survive in life.

There is no doubt that abusing and being addicted to sugar has held me back in life. Not necessarily in the worldly sense but surely in the personal, private and inward sense. I use to think my problem was the shame, guilt and emotional abandonment from a childhood exposed to alcoholism. For a time it was but that time has passed and now the problem is me.

It is no longer someone else’s disease that is holding me back in life. It is my disease of compulsive eating and sugar addiction that is isolating me from complete peace, joy and freedom in life.

I am a compulsive overeater and sugar addict.

I need to be honest with myself, God (he already knows that yet still accepts, loves and is compassionate towards me), and you.

Most of you have no idea what I am talking about so it is hard for you to accept this disease with me and support me as I disassociate food consumption from enjoyment, from a way for us to celebrate events in life and most importantly from my disease so I can live as normal a life as possible and be all that God wills me to be.

When I consume sugar it demoralizes me physically, mentally and emotionally. It is a spiritual sickness for me. I don’t know why it changes me in the moment of consumption and for hours afterwards but it does.

Please don’t try to help me understand it, rationalize it and come to the conclusion that I can have a little bit and that moderation is the answer. It doesn’t work for me that way, believe me I have tried everything. I need to disassociate myself from sugar and unhealthy food behaviors. That is the only way for me to be healthy.

You can help me to stay away from situations where I customarily overeat. Try to understand why I don’t want to go back to our favorite restaurant or celebrate a holiday the way we have always celebrated a holiday. You can’t protect me from sugar no matter how much you like and love me. I have to do it for myself. I understand that you are likely a normal eater so enjoy your sugar, but please respect my  abhorrence to it.

I need to separate my fears, resentments, dishonesty and selfishness from sugar. Consuming sugar and escaping, anesthetizing myself and burying my feelings and emotions is not a healthy habit for me.

I need to trust, to share my life’s reality and to feel my feelings and emotions.

Please enter into that type of friendship and relationship with me.

I accept that I am a compulsive overeater and sugar addict.

The reality is that sugar will impact my longevity and quality of life. Obesity, heart disease and diabetes are real threats to me going forward in life. The only known health issue I have now is being about 20 pounds heavier than my healthy body weight of 225 pounds.

I was there at 225 pounds for a month this summer for the first time in a long time, probably dating back to the very early 2000s just before my mother died and September 11th happened within hours of each other. There was a steady rise and then an explosion after my divorce, job changes and relocations. My recorded peak was at 336 pounds but likely my real peak was at 360 pounds. No one, including me, wants to get on a scale and take a picture at the darkest, loneliest and  most disappointing moment of our lives.

But I need to own and accept that moment. Know that it is a real possibility to happen again and do everything I can to not return to that point of desperation.

Your help, nutrition and exercise knowledge and practice, any and all diets and diet clubs could not save me. Mine was a problem of emotional and spiritual sickness, not a mental or physical problem to overcome. Self knowledge and intellect are good but can only go so far in matters like these.

My last 15 years of journaling and utilizing the TROML process has brought me to the right physical, mental, emotional and spiritual help at the right time in my life.

I am exactly where I need to be.

I know my problem is me and my relationship to sugar and compulsive overeating. Not you or our relationship.

I know abstinence, eating three meals this day with nothing in between and no sugar is the only solution for me.

I know this is God’s will for me, to remain in recovery and share my experience, strength through Him, and hope.

I need to take Step One and know and admit that I am powerless over sugar and compulsive overeating. Because of this disease and the associated diseased thinking that I can solve it myself is when my life becomes unmanageable.

Having accepted this reality in my life I and my thinking and emotions become part of the solution and I can leave the manifestation of the problem behind.

I enjoy life living in the solution, being hopeful, at peace with joy in my heart with the freedom to be all that God wants me to be here in this life and beyond.

I hope I am joining you where you are in life but if you are not there then come and join us!

Have a TROML Day today!

Your Personal Revivalist

Anonymous Andy